PART TWO: 9 more Things You Learn in Your First 5 Years in L.A.

15 Things You Learn in Your First 5 Years in L.A.

Mon, May 19, 2014 at 8:00 AM


7. You should never pick a fight with an L.A. cyclist about cycling, because you will lose. Short of just coming right out and saying, "IT'S BECAUSE I'M F*CKING LAZY," there is literally no way to win an argument in which your whole point is that you prefer isolated, smog-generating drives to environmentally sound, community-friendly bike rides. Also, cyclists get mad. 
8. Cherish the city's old people, for they have stories to tell. That greying dude with the porkpie hat who sat next to you in the Frolic Room? He lived with Marlon Brando when Brando was waiting tables in Los Feliz. That couple you saw at the bar at the Dresden? That was fucking Marty and Elayne. It is well worth your time, young one, to stop and ask for a yarn.

See also: Top 10 Reasons to Love Los Angeles and Never, Ever Leave
9. The customary greeting in L.A. has nothing to do with work, school or the weather. It's either a) what part of town do you live in? or b) where are you from? Any answer should be met with an, "Oh, cool."

10. Never make assumptions about the person you're talking to. That Playboy bunny has a graduate degree in engineering. Your Pilates instructor was a lawyer in a past life. The downtrodden, unemployed looking fellow at the coffee shop in the middle of the day is Lars Ulrich. 

11. Hating on the industry is a fool's errand. It's impossible to escape the entertainment business here, and besides, you don't really want to. It's great that so many smart, creative people have settled here. And when you get all smug with out-of-town guests, casually informing them, "People in Los Angeles don't really care when we see a celebrity"? That's not scorn for Hollywood. That's a humblebrag.

12. At the same time, you'll realize that the industry is but a tiny drop of water in the sprawling ocean that is Los Angeles. Whether you came here with a pilot in your hand or a snow shovel at your back, you likely had no idea how much other shit that there is to do in L.A. 

13. Hating on aspiring actors says more about you than it does about actors. You'll spend your first year or two snorting and scoffing when people bring up their screenplays and their auditions. But somewhere around year two-point-five, you will have a shocking and humbling realization, which is that you are the asshole. You will then respectfully cease to belittle people's dreams. 

14. Scientology never gets less scary. It literally never does. It's just always going to be weird. (Ed-- but try to be tolerant of the unknown - if you want to know about it go find out and make your own judgement)

15. L.A. is not what you thought it would be. You will stop believing that Hollywood = L.A. You will find things to love about the city and hate about the city that have nothing to do with the beautiful view from Malibu or, alternately, the shallow people on the Sunset Strip. You will try to explain this to your family at home. You will fail. And then you'll realize this: You don't care what they think. 


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